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Pirate Jokes

Gar, Pirate Jokes, ye landlubbers!

Pirates Favorites||Worse Short Ones||Longer Ones

Pirates Favorites:
  • Have you heard about the new pirate movie?.......... Itís rated AARRRRGGH!
  • what is a pirates favorite study subject? ..........arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.
  • what's a pirate's second-choice job? ..........an arrrrrrchitect!
  • what's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? ..........arrrr
  • What kind of socks does a pirate wear? .......... AARRRRGGHyle!
  • Whatís a pirateís second favorite mode of transportation? ..........A cAARRRRGGH!
  • What does a gourmet pirate add to his dinner? ..........A gAARRRRGGHnish!
  • What Star Wars character is really a pirate?..........AARRRRGGH-2 D-2!
  • Whatís a pirateís favorite country? ..........AARRRRGGHentina!
  • Why did the pirate go on vacation? ..........He needed some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH!
  • where do pirates put their trash?.......... in the GARRRRRRRRRRRBAGE can!
  • what is a pirates favorite doll?.............. BARRRRRRRRRRBIE!
  • where do pirates keep their cookies?....... in a jarrrr!!!!
  • how did the pirate become a lawyer? .......he passed the barrrrr!!!!
  • where do pirates like to eat? ........... the HARRRRRRD rock cafe!
  • what are pirates afraid of? ....... the DARRRRRRRRRRK
  • what did the pirate do to his drowining first mayte?..... C P ARRRRRRRRR
  • where did the pirate put its car when it was done driving it?.... the PARRRRRRRRRKING lot
  • why are pirates the coolest?...... they just ARRRRRRRR!!!
  • where do pirates keep their weapons?.....in an ARRRRRRRRSONAL!
  • what's a pirates favorite fast food restraunt? .........arrrrrr-by's
  • where do pirates park their ships?........ in the harrrrrrbor!
  • where do pirates get their haircut? ..........at the barrrrrber!
  • Why is there smoke all arond the pirate?..........He's smoking a cigarrr.
  • Why does the pirate say AED?..........He knows mediacl Jarrrgon
  • What was the pirate's golf score?..........parrrr
  • Why did the pirate move to Russia?..........To be czarrr...

From bad to worse:
  • How much does it cost a pirate to get a piercing? A buck an ear!
  • How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook? An arm and a leg!
  • What has 8 arms and 8 legs? Eight pirates!
  • How did the pirate stop smoking? He used the patch!
  • What is piratophobia? Fear of a sunken chest!
  • What do you call a pirate that skips class? Captain Hooky!
  • Whatís a pirate always looking for, even though itís right behind him? His booty!
  • why does a pirate's phone go beep beep beep beep beep? because he left it off the hook!
  • What does a vegan pirate do in jail? Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!
  • Why do pirates never go hiking? poison oak is deadly with hook.

  • A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. he knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. "oh, i can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "but where are your buccaneers?" the kid gets really mad, and says "on the sides of my buckin' head!"

  • A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
    "What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
    The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
    "Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
    "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
    "Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
    "Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
    "Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them--yarrgh, er, pooped--in my eye."
    "So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!" "Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

  • Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
    Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''
    All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
    Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''

  • A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a slots machines deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat."

  • So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

  • Jackpot City

  • A Pirate ship comes ashore for a night at a mysterious island between Arabia and India. The first mate ends up in a bar sitting at a table with an oil lamp on it. The lamp is dirty, so he rubbs it clean, and a great genie comes out, granting him any three wishes he wants. Immediatly he wishes for a huge mug of beer that can never run dry. "Granted" says the genie. Excitedly the pirate downs the entire mug, and as promised, it magically refills it self. He empties it again, and it again, magically refills, just like he wanted. "This is great!" he says. "And what about your second and third wished?" asks the geni. The pirate, still excited about his mug quickly says, "I'll have two more just like this!"


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